TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, town historically known for ancient culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be large. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the finest. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely outside of position. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable h2o. But Certainly, absolutely sure, let us have A further place wherever American men can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations failed under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: offer everyone a suite on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the Trump Tower Damascus proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be delicate electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It truly is that he need to halt applying it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the project, replied, "You realize, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great people. Excellent tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping varieties a large Trump head seen from Place, a function becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after obtaining the making's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Capabilities


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "the place's the closest elevator to your West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is currently attracting focus from Worldwide investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll acquire three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage may even include:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to view a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel in which my PTSD may have convert-down company."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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